The Spiral, the Scroll, and the Switch

This morning I woke up, paid my water bill, and did what a lot of us do without thinking.
I opened Facebook.

And there it was.

My ex-husband. In Colorado. With his mom. Hiking.
Every post. Just hiking. Mountains. Views. Freedom.

Part of me thought, well… that tracks. They’re Native American. Adventure is in their blood. They venture. They roam. They climb.

And another part of me was just mad.

Because Colorado is where I want to be. Not the freezing parts, but the hot springs. The healing parts. The soak-your-bones-and-breathe-again parts.

Instead, here I am. Working. Holding everything together. Raising our girls alone. Doing what I’ve always done.

And they’re just… hiking.

No help here. No support. And if I’m being honest, there never really has been from him. It’s always been me and the girls. I know that. I’ve accepted that.

But today?
Today it hit different.

Then Facebook kept doing what Facebook does.

I saw my ex–sister-in-law. My best friend for thirteen years. I wondered how she is. I’ve called. I’ve left voicemails. Nothing.

I saw her with her ex-husband and my brain did that thing where it starts filling in blanks it was never invited to fill. Are they back together? Are they not? Do they talk about me? Do they see my life?

And here’s the part that gets me every time.

When we imagine people watching us, we never imagine them seeing the growth. The strength. The resilience.

We imagine them seeing our failures.

That’s when the wormhole opens.
The twisty turn.
The spiral.

I’m not good enough.
They’re judging me.
They see me struggling.

Ten minutes earlier, none of these thoughts existed. And suddenly, they were loud.

So I did what I’ve learned to do.

I caught it.

I started repeating it out loud.
“I trust in God.”
“My Savior. The One who never fails.”

Because the truth is, I needed Jesus in that moment.

And another truth? I turned to social media first. I got sucked in fast. That’s how quick it happens. One scroll. One comparison. One emotional hook.

But I’ve learned something over time.

You can switch your thoughts.

That’s the work.

There are many paths, but I keep choosing the straight and narrow… with a few shoulder bumps, because I am still very much a free spirit.

I relate to a lot of people. Different cultures. Different walks of life. Different belief systems. I think that’s part of why God has me on this path. I see humanity from a wide angle.

But back to the point.

I started praying because I didn’t want to live in my head.

And spiritual or not, you cannot convince me prayer doesn’t change the brain. Science backs it. Experience confirms it. Something shifts when we pray.

I truly believe the spiritual realm connects to us at that brain level. That’s why when people do horrible things we say, “it wasn’t them.” Something else had the wheel.

That thought led me to Scripture.

The parable of the lost sheep.
Because honestly, aren’t we all wandering sometimes?

Then verses about those who wrong you.
cough cough
My ex-husband.

Then forgiveness.
Not seven times.
But seventy times seven.

Not because they deserve it.
But because bitterness costs too much.

Then the rich young man. How difficult it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of heaven.

And suddenly I understood why some older farmers I know act poor even when they clearly are not. It’s humility. It’s not bragging. It’s not putting possessions above faith.

And that convicted me.

Because it wasn’t just astrology.

It was a lot of things.

I allowed too much in. Too many voices. Too many beliefs. Too many external sources trying to explain, guide, or control my life. And slowly, without realizing it, all of that overtook me.

Not because I was weak.
But because I stopped anchoring.

And when I drifted from God, my world reflected it.

I lost my job.
I lost my relationship.
My ex-husband tried to imprison me out of anger and hate.
I had to place a restraining order on a stranger who threatened to blow up my car and shoot my house.
I almost lost my home.
I lost my car.
And somewhere in the middle of it all, I lost my mind.

And yet.

As this year wraps up, I see it.

The progress.
The restraint.
The moments I didn’t spiral.
The moments I chose God instead of disappearing into my thoughts.

And now I know this for certain.

My strength does not come from information alone.
It doesn’t come from systems, symbols, or outside sources trying to tell me who I am or how to live.

Information can be empowering. Knowledge matters. Awareness changes things.

But information is meant to support my faith, not replace it.

My strength comes from God.

We are in control of our thoughts.
We are in control of our actions.

We run the ship.

And God runs it with us.

Today could have gone sideways. It almost did. But instead of letting comparison take the wheel, I switched lanes. I prayed. I chose higher ground.

Not perfection.
Not constant peace.
But awareness.

And today, awareness won.